[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
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Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
We avoided this particular disaster
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake