Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
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“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
reminder
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people