KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.