I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…