Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
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Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
#SCOTUS one-star review
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.