*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born