I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.