Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
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Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.