Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
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Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Interior design 👌
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you