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Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
why isn’t he texting back
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions