If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
*updates tinder bio*
The little toadstool has spoken.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.