Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
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I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”