Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN