My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
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I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠