Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
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hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Mad Max Arctic Road
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog