The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
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That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?