I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.