When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
The Others (2001)
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey