My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
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“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Need WebMD
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
The two types of wives
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
do horses think humans are hats
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet