Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night