[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
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I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.