When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
You Might Also Like
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Ferrari squats
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.