If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Saturday
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.