If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.