“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
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Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
At least he brought enough for everyone
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*