You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party