Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
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Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about