People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Finally!
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.