David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
You Might Also Like
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild