Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
when nothing goes right… go left
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”