Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.