The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better