If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Breaking news:
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.