All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
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Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Huge, if true.
no such thing as a dumb question
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.