Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.