So creative 😂
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I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
do horses think humans are hats
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.