My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time