“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
You Might Also Like
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”