*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
the council will decide your fate
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?