Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
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What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
me linking you to my twitter
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys