damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
You Might Also Like
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
What’s a Messi?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek