The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Cat.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.