Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.