*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
(yawn)
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.