Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
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I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.