doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer