Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
next question.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.