The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
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VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep