i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Doing math together is known as fourplay.