Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
shit just got real
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
😜
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?